Episode 26
· 41:41
Yapping!
Erika:Hello, this is Erika.
Edgar:And Edgar.
Erika:And we are the Yapping Schnauzers. We entertain you with the app worthy stories we find around the web. So today's theme is misaligned values.
Edgar:Okay, our first story is, Am I overreacting? My parents want to lock up my phone for the summer. Am I overreacting? I, female nineteen, am going home for the summer from college back to my parents' house. My younger sister, 13 female, called me about three days ago saying that our parents bought three phone lock boxes for us, me, my brother, a 17 male, and my sister.
Edgar:My sister then handed the phone to my mother while I asked why she got these and her response was that she thought we were on our phones too much. Keep in mind, I haven't been living with them for a year now, so they don't really know how often I'm on my phone. I asked if she planned on telling me before I came home and she said no. She was actually going to wait until I was home from college next week to tell me. She then proceeded to just attempt to have a normal conversation with me and me being very upset, just said I love you and that we would talk about this later.
Edgar:Honestly, I'm not upset about the fact that my phone would be locked up. I'm more upset that it's not my choice and I feel like my parents don't really view me as an adult. They have said in the past that when I'm in their house, I'm a child. Yet they still want me to act as an adult. I have a full time job for the summer, so I'll be gone four days of the week from eight to six.
Edgar:Also four hour shifts at a store near me on the weekends. I'm wondering if it's even worth it to stay at their house this summer. I still haven't talked to my parents about how I'm feeling and I'm wondering if I'm overreacting about the whole situation.
Erika:I mean, it seems like she hasn't even been there. Like, she's in college. And the fact that they're saying that they're on the phone too much, how do they even know? She's not even living with them.
Edgar:I mean, for the younger siblings, they're definitely on the phone more often. OP is 19 years old, she's an adult. At least legally an adult and mentally she thinks she's an adult. So this is kind of blind time to her.
Erika:I know, it just doesn't make sense. Okay, fine, if they're living there and the other siblings are doing that then good for them, they should be in the lockbox. But you have the older sibling, she shouldn't have to pay the consequences for them, you know mean? She has a full time work and she's doing her own thing, she's going to college, she's being responsible. Why are you taking away her phone?
Erika:I don't get it.
Edgar:Yeah. It's kind of like going into helicopter parenting. It's when the parent is very, very close to the child, but not close to like, oh, we're friends, but more close to like, they're very overprotective or overbearing. So, this is what pushes kids away and has them act more sneaky. So I feel like in doing this, it's like pushing OP to like, now she's considering I want to have my own place then if I'm going to stay in the summer around the town.
Erika:Exactly. Or like she maybe should consider living with somebody else for the summer, you And then they won't see their child anymore. I mean, do you think that's a reasonable punishment?
Edgar:Guess what? I mean, OP shouldn't even be punished because she's not even there.
Erika:Yeah, and they weren't even planning on telling her, is kind of frustrating also. They'd just be like, Surprise, we're taking away your phone. I
Edgar:know. That just shows the parents, no, this is not good. It's not a popular opinion.
Erika:I think it also just depends what, for me, the parenting style, I don't know if I would take away the phones, but maybe I would just, you know how you could put a lock on the phone where you can't do anything? Or you can't go on the internet or whatever.
Edgar:What I would do
Erika:What would you do? Oh my god.
Edgar:I'd just take away the chargers.
Erika:They'll buy just a new one if they're working, so what's the point?
Edgar:Well, mean, I don't care about the 19 year old. I mean, like the little kids. Just take me to chargers.
Erika:You'll find one around the house. You know how many chargers we have around the house? It's crazy.
Edgar:I don't like put a hole in every single one of them.
Erika:Oh my gosh, that's too much work. Just disable it after a certain time so then they can't use their phones.
Edgar:That's
Erika:pretty much I
Edgar:feel like those are pretty easy to get around if you know the parents' passwords and all that stuff.
Erika:But if you don't and you reset all your passwords and you're screwed.
Edgar:So
Erika:that could be one thing. The top comment is definitely not overreacting. You're an adult whether you are under their roof or not. Not to mention that I feel like it's sort of dangerous for a young woman to be out and about without some sort of form of communication if necessary. Creeps are everywhere.
Erika:Yeah,
Edgar:I mean
Erika:And that's true, and if she's out and about, she needs her phone, especially for a job, know, what if there's an emergency? What if her boss wants her to go in earlier or leave late and she doesn't have any way of communicating, then that's irresponsible for her not responding.
Edgar:Yeah,
Erika:so Opie did respond to that and says, I think they are just thinking about locking up the phone at night, but then my concerns is, if the lady I'm working for texts me at night asking me to come earlier, I won't see that and then that could cause me to be late for work and I won't be able to get my phone because it works as a time lock so I wouldn't be able to get it out on time. So yes, that's kind of what I said. I don't even know.
Edgar:So just I wouldn't use that as a reason. It's just like overall it just takes away OP's autonomy because she's definitely an adult, she has her own responsibilities, this is something for children and clearly she isn't anymore.
Erika:I would say just pay, if she doesn't pay her phone bill now then she should. That way they have no right to take away her phone.
Edgar:I still feel like the parents would like try to take it away.
Erika:No, but I think that's, no, that's overbearing. I feel like that's a little bit crossing the line, especially if your child is paying for their phone and you still want to take it away, that's kind of ridiculous.
Edgar:Final verdict on if she's overreacting.
Erika:No, she's not overreacting. I think her parents are being, what is it? I think her parents are being unreasonable.
Edgar:Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I would recommend she just
Erika:goes Maybe stay with somebody else, yeah.
Edgar:With her favorite uncle or cousin.
Erika:Or grandma or grandparents, if they're still around.
Edgar:That's true.
Erika:All right, so next story is, Am I the Asshole for Refusing to Give My Boyfriend Children Because He Won't Marry Me? My boyfriend, 33, and I, 31 female, have been dating for seven years. Early we talked about marriage, kids, a house, the whole shebang. I like kids and I think I'd be a good mother. I like to have children, but I wouldn't be upset if I didn't have any.
Erika:I'm happy with my life as is, and I could be happy with children as well. My boyfriend has always dreamed of being a dad and recently suggested that we are in the place to start trying for some. I was a little confused by this. I told him early on within the first year that I would never have children with a man that I'm not married to. I feel like children are a much bigger commitment than marriage, so marriage should come first.
Erika:Additionally, if a man doesn't love me and isn't committed enough to spend the rest of their lives together, I don't see why I wouldn't make the sacrifice on bearing his children. Maybe it's old fashioned to me. I explained all of this to him once again. He was awkward and said he just doesn't want to get married. He said men get screwed over in divorces all the time and he doesn't think marriage is important or a smart choice.
Erika:I said, that's fine. We don't have to get married. I'm happy to live our lives as is. We just won't be buying a house together or having children together. We can each buy our own home and live in one and rent out the other.
Erika:If we aren't getting married, I don't want to really intake our finances in any way. He blew up at me and said, I'm punishing him for not wanting to marry him. I said, I'm not. Just having children outside of marriage goes outside of my personal values. I'm also told that since he's super against the idea of marriage, I am not going to marry him just for shut up ring.
Erika:That he only gives me because he wants kids. I want him to actually want to marry me. And if not, that's okay. Children and marriage are off the table for us. If he wants kids, now he needs to leave me and find someone who will have kids for him without expecting any stability in turn.
Erika:And maybe I could find someone who wants to marry me. Or maybe not have any kids. I said all this to him. He's been very distressed and emotionally distraught. He has a disease that very much so limits his life expectancy.
Erika:He has said that if he doesn't have kids ASAP, he probably shouldn't have them at all because otherwise he wouldn't be able to see them into adulthood. Am I the asshole?
Edgar:Overall, isn't the asshole, I feel like her saying to him, We should just both get our own houses. Houses. We should both get our own houses. It's a little bit petty.
Erika:So why didn't
Edgar:you just lick it and slink in the background?
Erika:Hilarious, you're so cute, know, asses. Yeah,
Edgar:they have to get their own asses.
Erika:You bet houses, you're hilarious.
Edgar:Yeah, they have to get their own houses. I'm off my feet a lot.
Erika:Stop looking at me. That's so funny.
Edgar:Yeah, saying that they should have their own houses is a little bit petty because not a lot of people can afford their own house in the first place.
Erika:Yeah, I mean, it's just one of those things where, especially if he thinks he doesn't have a long life expectancy, why do you want to have children and make your children to live without you?
Edgar:Yeah, fatherless.
Erika:So, what's the point of having children in this? I think he's just being very selfish in every aspect, including relationship wise and with the children as well. Like, come on.
Edgar:Yeah, I wonder what kind of illness he has, but ultimately he looks like he doesn't plan to be here long.
Erika:Yeah, then what's the point of getting married and having a life? Just enjoy your life, go travel, do stuff and that's it. You are gonna die, so might as well enjoy life.
Edgar:Exactly,
Erika:I don't know, mean that would be me if I would have a type of disease where I'm gonna die soon or something like that. I wouldn't be planning on settling down and getting married and having kids. That would be the last thing in my mind, you know I mean? So do you think she's being unreasonable asking or responding like this, I guess?
Edgar:I mean, overall, yeah, I don't think she's being unreasonable. He's thinking about his lack of future and she's thinking about her future, which would be him, but having her husband or her fiance, but having his kids instead. Which isn't really unfair because then she's strapped with a burden of taking care of the kid all by herself.
Erika:Yeah, I mean, I think, I mean there's, I'm not saying no single parent can't make it out on their own, but it's just, it'll be a struggle. And it's not fair for her to carry that cross when she doesn't have to. Yeah. I mean, she's looking for stability and she has values and if he's not it then I don't understand why she still wants to be with him.
Edgar:Yeah, I mean, it looks like from how they're planning it out the rest of their lives or how she's planning out the rest of her life, she doesn't want him there anymore.
Erika:Yeah, I think at this point I don't see any future in the relationship. I think she should just find somebody that respects her values and will be there and have stability. And the top comment is, Not the asshole. Just because he's sick doesn't mean that he's entitled to change someone else's values. Just to give his life a sense of meaning.
Erika:Especially not through emotional manipulation and trying to guilt trip you into compliance. You even offered him an option to leave and have children with someone else, yet it's clear he wants the most inconvenient way your existing relationship to immediately satisfy his desire to have kids. Parenting responsibilities or the kid's well-being don't actually seem to be his focus. Honestly, if you were married it doesn't sound like he'd be much of a father. On top of that, he seems more worried about losing money in a divorce than he is about possibly not seeing his future kids grow up due to his illness.
Erika:This man is clearly only thinking about himself.
Edgar:True.
Erika:Yeah, I mean, especially with divorce. I mean, does he have money to die on? Like, and I don't understand why he was saying that divorce, the men always lose. But I mean, if you don't have any four zero one ks, if you don't have anything that you're gonna lose, then what's the point, why are you complaining?
Edgar:So
Erika:what's the final verdict?
Edgar:Yeah, OP isn't the asshole for not wanting to bear that man's child.
Erika:Oh my god, no. I think she should just move on and let somebody, poor soul, hopefully nobody else will get trapped with that man.
Edgar:So, the next story is titled, Am I overreacting for breaking down on my daughter's school after I displayed her art project dedicated to my real mom when I'm just the stepmom? I'm sitting in my car crying my heart out while typing this. Good to know. So, I, 34 female, have been married to my husband, thirty six male, for three years. He has a daughter, Lily, non female, whose biological mom left when she was two and hasn't contacted them since.
Edgar:I've been in Lily's life since she was five and I've tried so hard to be a good mother figure to her. Today was the school's art exhibition. Lily has been working on a secret project for weeks. When we arrived, we found her artwork. A beautiful hand painted ceramic, Hearts with Flowers, the placard reading, Heart for Mom by Lily.
Edgar:I made this for my real mom, who I miss every day, even though I don't remember her. I hope she sees it from heaven. I felt like I'd been punched in my stomach. I was devastated and I really mean it. Her mom isn't dead.
Edgar:She's living in another state. I completely lost it and had to rush out of the gymnasium before sobbing in front of everyone. The art teacher explained that Lily initially made that hard for me but changed the dedication after talking with her friend who lost her mom. Lily told the teacher she didn't want to hurt her friend's feelings. I understand she's just a child, but this hurts so much.
Edgar:I recently finally paid off my credit card balance which was a pretty big amount and I even had a pretty big win, close to 3 ks. I'm really riches. So I was feeling good about life. But this emotional setback feels so much worse than any financial struggle.
Erika:What is going on?
Edgar:Three years of being there for every moment and I'm still not real enough. Am I really overreacting or is it okay that I feel heartbroken? So, I like the flex at the end, like, oh, I won $3,000 in a gambling app, and I finally paid off all my credit cards from gambling.
Erika:That is so random. But I guess that's what she's saying, that life was good and then this happened.
Edgar:Do I really be doing that sometimes?
Erika:Well, yeah. I don't know, would you feel heartbroken if this happened to you?
Edgar:Not really. Because I get to say no matter how the real parent is, they're still gonna have some sort of respect and reverence for them. No matter what the reality is. Because it's their actual parents. Especially if they're so young, they don't know any better.
Erika:I mean, she's nine years old. Oh wait, no. Wait, one second. She has a daughter Lily, nine.
Edgar:Nine years old.
Erika:I mean, dang, I'm trying to think what I was doing when I was nine. Exactly, see?
Edgar:So you don't even think it straight. If you can't remember what you were doing at nine, this little kid is not gonna remember a ceramic plate or bottle, whatever she made.
Erika:Well, I have really bad memories, so I mean. But still, I mean, I think I would feel sad. I wouldn't feel like, oh my god, that I would be crying or anything like that. I think I would feel really sad because I would think that, sure, you shouldn't feel like you need to get validation every time if you, especially if it's not your child, you don't need validation for them. Especially if you're just doing it because you love them and you just wanna be a good parent for them.
Erika:But I mean, it would be nice to get some validation here and there. However, I don't know, I mean everybody has their different way of reaction. And if she's feeling some sort of way, maybe she just feels things more deeply. And there's nothing wrong with that either.
Edgar:I would say there is something wrong with that because she's looking for validation from a child. I know it's the child she's taken care of, but they're so frickle anyway. So it's something that's so fleeting to put so much emphasis on it. It's not healthy for her. Clearly she's not reacting in a healthy way.
Edgar:Because this is just a plate.
Erika:I don't know. I mean, if she's trying her best to raise a child, then she doesn't feel any reassurance that she's doing a good job as her having a little flower or something or something created for her and the project. It would be nice. But you know, it's just one of those things where, I guess it depends, not always the other side is greener than, what is it called, what's that? Oh my god, actually.
Edgar:The grass is always greener the other side.
Erika:Yeah, like what if she did have validation, you know? Like it's just one of those things, I don't know. I think she's valid to feel the way she feels but if she feels so distraught then maybe something else is going on.
Edgar:Yeah. And also, the art teacher did tell OP that originally the sculpture was for OP and she just recently changed it.
Erika:Yeah, it's supposed
Edgar:So, even despite that, she's still upset. So I feel like that crosses the line in terms of how emotionally wrecked she is from this situation.
Erika:Yeah, I think she just really focused on her friend's feelings because she said she didn't want to hurt her feelings because her mom died, I believe is what she said, right? Yes. So, you know, if I would've got that explanation then I'd be like, oh okay, I understand. It wasn't because I'm not a good parent, it's because she was trying to support her friend that lost her mom. Okay, so top comment is, I'm not saying this to be harsh, but try to remember that this isn't about you.
Erika:It's about a child who's simply being in a space she's in, she's nine, she's exploring, feeling, learning. It also doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or care about you, but at nine she's not going to truly understand what you're doing for her. Be strong in who you are. It's always nice to get validation, but you're parenting. There's a lot of times that parents get no validation, and then there are times that will make your heart want to burst with joy.
Erika:I might suggest you consider some therapy. Your reaction sounds a little big for this. Is anything else going on? Maybe there are other issues. Most of us have emotional wounds from family or prior relationships that can be helped with therapy.
Erika:And in the end, if your stepdaughter is healthy and happy overall, you're doing it right. So yeah, I agree with that. I think with the explanation of the teacher, I think it would have been sufficed, you know what I mean? And not continue with the waterworks, but.
Edgar:Yeah.
Erika:Okay. So you think she overreact? Yeah, just a little.
Edgar:Definitely. Definitely overreacted.
Erika:Okay. The next story is, My son, 19, is getting fat on purpose. I'm not sure who to talk to other than my therapist. I want to know how to talk to my son, who I discovered is getting fat on purpose. I have a single dad and widower forty four who has three sons, 25, 20 one, and 19.
Erika:Their mother passed away a decade ago. It's left a chasm in our lives that's felt insurmountable, but we've been healing as a family. I pride myself of being a loving and understanding father. And fortunately, my boys are green. I have solid relationship with all three.
Erika:This boy is about 19. Since he was young, he's been different than his brothers. They were athletic and outgoing, while he's pudgy and reserved. Nineteen has struggled with depression since his mom passed away and gained weight on and off due to medication. We had very hard times but we got closer during COVID after he came out as gay.
Erika:He's been doing much better and we are ecstatic to see him get into an Ivy League college last year. I noticed a change before 19 and went to college. He gained weight that summer and seemed more confident. When he returned from breaks he'd be larger and larger to the point where he came home for Easter and he was over three hundred pounds. To be clear, nineteen gained more than 60 pounds since last summer.
Erika:I expressed my concern to him but I acknowledge how happy he's been. I just want him to be happy and healthy. He says that he's been enjoying the dining plan and his social life, but he gets where I'm coming from and he'll start losing again. That leads me to why I overheard. I returned home late from a date one night thinking everyone was asleep.
Erika:I went upstairs and saw light from under nineteen's door. I heard him speaking so I decided to say hi before I went to bed. I was about to knock on his door when I heard him say something that made me pause. Make me fatter. I stopped.
Erika:I put my ear on the door. I heard him plead, Make me fatter. I want to be fat, big blop. Make me fatter, I want to be a whale, so huge, so huge. I stopped listening.
Erika:I went to my room, I didn't sleep well. I pretended everything was normal with nineteen up until he left from school. Now I'm stewing on this topic and I feel so confused. I don't know how to talk to him about this. Nineteen's weight has been to the point of contention in the past due to his insecurities or societal expectations.
Erika:There was always pressure to lose. I'm body positive, but I want him to be healthy. That said, I do credit a lot of this initial weight gain to depression medication, but now it's a different story entirely. Please help me. What do I do?
Erika:Where do I go from here? I feel very lost.
Edgar:That child needs Jesus. A Bible in one hand and broccoli in the other.
Erika:Yeah, so crazy.
Edgar:So So what do hear about it?
Erika:Explain to me Okay, so I'm gonna read the top comment here before we finish talking.
Edgar:Okay, yeah, top comment.
Erika:It sounds like he's in the feeder community and is a feedie. I highly suggest you research this and check-in on your son's health. The feeder community has a reputation to slowly killing people even if it's consensual. So explain to me what that means, Vayne.
Edgar:It's just like a relationship where it's like a couple are together and one of them wants the other one to be as fat as possible. So they give their partner as much food as possible so they get bigger. So they gain like 203 pounds within a few weeks or months.
Erika:That's insane.
Edgar:And that's like their fetish.
Erika:And do they die? Mean, you're around that certain weight gain, especially that fast, it could really kill you.
Edgar:I guess it's just people being weird.
Erika:Oh my gosh. I mean, he definitely needs some type of therapy and he needs to end that relationship.
Edgar:Yeah, it's not probably like a, I wouldn't say it's a helpful relationship that he's in.
Erika:No, definitely not. Think Is someone who encourages
Edgar:you to be at your worst is not a good person for you?
Erika:No, definitely not.
Edgar:Especially if they their own interests.
Erika:Yeah, I mean they're fetish. I mean I would say if you're in a relationship you would want somebody to make you feel, wanna be your best, not your worst. Wow, I wonder if
Edgar:Maybe he's at his best at three hundred pounds.
Erika:My gosh. I wonder if OP talked to him or searched it up.
Edgar:I feel like this would be an awful conversation to have with your kid.
Erika:It says, That's a likely scenario. Finding acceptance and validation from people who have fetishized fat people. There's people who make careers out of filming themselves binge eating. As an obese person, thankfully nowhere near three hundred, it is not fun to be fat, sweating, chafing, clothes don't fit, then sleep apnea and mobility issues set in. It's so hard to turn that around and even harder to fit in socially when you smell and struggle to do basic things.
Erika:My point is that the outcome of this will affect his entire life. Timing is critical. If he has benefits, may qualify for counseling or there could be options through his school. I really hope he's not doing this for money because it's a whole another kettle of fish. I think this starts with a tough one on one conversation but may require more persuasive intervention.
Edgar:Yeah, I wasn't even thinking about if he was doing this for money.
Erika:My god, That would be worse.
Edgar:Also, that's his public image up there.
Erika:Man, this is insane.
Edgar:The next Nick Avocado.
Erika:Well, didn't he lose weight
Edgar:now? Apparently.
Erika:I know. I think it's just scary. I think needs, I I think college is an amazing thing, I think exploring and learning to speak to new people, you know, your boundaries have been lifted and it's a good place to explore. However, I think sometimes when you find the wrong people, sometimes it can really cost you your life or it can really, you know, scar you depending on the situation. So I think in this situation the poor man has to just speak to him and get as much as, you know, prepare what to say and how to say it because you know how in, I don't know, teenagers or whatever, you tell them no, and then they do the opposite and they want to do it regardless.
Erika:Then they get in stuck with it and then regardless if they don't want to do it no more, they want to do the opposite that you're telling them. So he needs to be very careful with his wording too, especially with this type of situation, you know?
Edgar:Overall that's like a sucky situation for OP to be in because he has to do all the legwork and all of the hard and very uncomfortable conversations and it's like not even guaranteed to succeed.
Erika:Yeah, I mean, what would you do? Like, what's your plan to help your son out of this?
Edgar:What son?
Erika:If you had a son like that. Yo. Yo. Oh my god.
Edgar:Exactly. What were you? What did you do?
Erika:You're so new to us. Oh my gosh. I would say I would talk to him. I would first get like, do my research, try to see what I can say and help him out. Talk to him one on one, try to make him feel comfortable and not thinking that I'm targeting him, you know, because that's the worst thing you can do.
Erika:And making him feel validation and just trying to get him to talk to somebody. And that's about it. I mean, if hopefully from there he can a licensed therapy can help him and see go from there. Because there's no way I can't I don't have the tools to try to help somebody in the situation. You know, this is where therapy would be amazing, because they have those tools, and they'll be able to help him find those tools to be, you know, get out of that hole that he's in right now.
Erika:That would be my game plan at least. And if that doesn't help then, I don't know. It's just one of those things where you'll try to do your best but sometimes you don't always succeed.
Edgar:Yeah, for me when people are spiraling I just let them spiral because anything less you're just enabling their behavior. And another thing that could happen is if you're helping them while they're at their downtrend is they never learn to live alone. They're always going to need some help and they eventually go back to whatever they're doing. So you just let them get to whatever is the bottom for them and then they have to see for themselves how they get out of it. Otherwise they're just going rely on help.
Edgar:They're not going to learn anything meaningful.
Erika:Well, I wouldn't say that because I feel like therapy, it's not something that you, so therapy is not meant to last forever.
Edgar:Mm-mm.
Erika:Okay? So therapy is to give you those tools that you don't know or you don't know how to use, or you might know, but you don't know how to apply it to your job to your life. So once you get taught those tools, how to handle situations, how to handle emotions, how to forget, but to how to heal from your past wounds and how to be a better version of you, then, you know, that's the type of therapy you want because you heal yourself in the process because you have to put in the work. Yeah. And I mean, sure, you could do that by yourself, but you know, there's no guarantee you're that you're trying to find some, you know, something that you could do with therapy that could help you heal faster, because you have somebody there to help you, instead of doing it all by yourself that could take years, years that you don't know that you figure out how to do yourself.
Erika:But I mean, I guess it's the way it's how you see it. But I feel like therapy is not a clutch that you can never let go. Therapy is something that you hold onto until you're ready to go. You don't need it forever. So I think therapy for me would be the best tool and the best solution in this case especially.
Edgar:I
Erika:just hope that he finds a good solution and doesn't end in a terrible call.
Edgar:Yeah, hopefully before he reaches four hundred pounds.
Erika:I mean, I would say a good intervention would be nice.
Edgar:Yeah, the sooner the better.
Erika:Yeah, definitely.
Edgar:I guess what final advice would you give to him?
Erika:Just, you you try as much as you can and you can't blame yourself if you can't. You know I mean? You gotta try to help him out and hope for the best.
Edgar:Yep, exactly. The next story is titled, Would I be the Asshole for Not Telling My Husband I Could Understand His Phone Calls? My husband's first language is not English, while English is the only language I speak. I've secretly been taking online classes to learn his mother tongue. I haven't told him because I want it to be a surprise and I'm waiting until I'm further along.
Edgar:I have this idea of bursting out full sentences next year at Christmas for his family or something. His parents speak very limited English, so communication is strained when he isn't in the room for translate. My intentions are good. How often do you get the chance to surprise the person you love with the effort of learning their language? The only problem is that I am increasingly able to understand his phone calls with friends and family, and I feel like I'm invading his privacy.
Edgar:For example, sometimes I can tell he is talking about me. Nothing too bad though. Just like we hash eagle fight we've had, I do the same with my girlfriends. He doesn't say anything hurtful, but it's still things I'm not sure he wouldn't say if he knew I was listening. Also, I have to bite my tongue to not say out loud my version opinion of the story, and that feels like I'm lying when I have to purposely keep my face neutral.
Edgar:So my question is, would I be the asshole to keep learning his language in secret? Am I invading his privacy? Would you be upset about your wife keeping a secret for a year or find the effort sweet? I don't think she's being the asshole and trying to learn the language. Inadvertently, he's going to start understanding his phone calls and his conversations with people who speak other languages.
Edgar:I don't think he's an asshole. Eavesdropping it that way. If he really wanted that to be a secret, would do it in private, not in front of her.
Erika:Yeah, I don't think that she's the asshole. I think it's sweet for her to find the time and the effort to learn his language and be able to communicate with him more or his family. I mean if she does feel bad for listening to his conversation you could always leave the room or put headphones on or you can give them privacy. It's just one of those things.
Edgar:Exactly, she can usually just be like, Yeah, I want to do something else. Don't want to listen to this. Or anything that's nice.
Erika:Yeah, mean, would be kind of weird if every time you talk on the phone she goes to the bathroom or she leaves.
Edgar:I don't think it's that weird though. What what if you want to concentrate on something? I wouldn't want to be in the same room with someone talking.
Erika:I guess. But I would still say, you know, hey, maybe just put headphones on or something if you don't want to listen.
Edgar:I think it would be funny though, ultimately. As soon as she reveals like hey, know your language now, I think they're gonna have a good laugh and be like oh, so you're listen all my phone calls? Like all of them? And she'd be like yeah.
Erika:Yeah, I mean that would be nice. I think you should learn Spanish more.
Edgar:Someday.
Erika:I think you don't, oh my god.
Edgar:I
Erika:think it would be nice for you to speak to everybody in your family, especially in your Canadian family.
Edgar:Yeah, I knew a tiny bit of French, but not enough to talk to them, just understand little things they say.
Erika:Yeah, took three years of French in high school. I mean, I know I can't introduce myself, in certain words here and there, but that's about it.
Edgar:I'm not even good at speaking English, so.
Erika:Oh, you mean? Yes, you are. You have no accent. So the top comment is, oh, can just leave the
Edgar:room. Exactly, yeah. Problem solved.
Erika:OP said, we live in a studio apartment so there isn't anywhere I can go. But you're right, I could put earbuds in without being too suspicious.
Edgar:Exactly, She knows it's like the largest issue, but it's Yeah,
Erika:but she wouldn't be that, so I think she's really super sweet for doing that.
Edgar:And it looks like OP's husband or fiance isn't saying anything bad either way. So final verdict?
Erika:I would say that she would not be the asshole since she's doing this to be more a part of his culture and closer to his family and himself. So I think it'll be like a sweet thing he will look upon with a smile and kindness. Okay, so the next story is Am I the Asshole for Yelling at My Neighbor and Telling Them to Get Divorced Because Their Arguing Keeps Me Up At Night? I have been renting this house with my sister for the past year. It's great and I like the area, but there's one problem, my neighbors.
Erika:My neighbors are a family and they're perfectly nice in our interactions. But the problem is that the couple will go to their backyard and start screaming, arguing every single night for like two hours. It's so loud that it causes both my dog and the dogs in the surrounding area to get riled up. On top of this, my bedroom is next to the area they argue at. It's been like three months.
Erika:The cops have been called on them. I've talked to the husband about it. Nothing happens. I can't wear noise canceling earbuds because my sister is disabled and I need to be aware if she needs me at night. Two weeks ago, I come home exhausted from a bad day at work and I just wanted to sleep in.
Erika:At about 2AM they start with their usual arguments. The wife is shouting and the husband is screeching I don't know repeatedly, something he does a lot. And dogs have begun barking. The frustration of being tired and knowing that I had to get up in two hours just finally made me snap. I opened my window and screamed, You don't know?
Erika:You don't know? If you don't know now, you won't know later. So can you lunatics just get divorce ready and shut up, please? My voice was shaking and crackling from the volume. Well, they did get quiet and it was crickets for the rest of the night.
Erika:For the past two weeks, the nights have been radio silent. Whenever I see them while leaving my house, they avoid eye contact with me. Who can blame them? I feel really bad, but I was just so tired and frustrated and I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I want to apologize, but my girlfriend's been telling me I just need to let it go and that I had every right to react the way I did.
Erika:But I don't know, I just feel guilty. I want to say it's none of my business, but at this point I unwillingly know about these two strangers' love life more than I know about my own mother. So, am I the asshole of how I reacted?
Edgar:No. I think anyone would be frustrated if they had neighbors like that.
Erika:Oh my god, yes.
Edgar:Like don't the neighbors feel any shame at all? Like just screaming out in the public like that? Like we have neighbors like that, right?
Erika:I would be frustrated. And the cops were called and they're still doing it? Like, do they have no self preservation? Like, damn.
Edgar:Exactly. But at least it looks like they've banded together finally over a common enemy, which is OP. Finally.
Erika:I think if you wanna argue, argue inside your house in the basement. If you're yelling, go into a soundproofing room if you have one. I don't know, just keep it inside the house. Nobody needs to hear your business. Nobody needs to know you're arguing, nobody needs to hear yelling.
Edgar:No one wants to hear that.
Erika:Especially at two in the morning, come on people.
Edgar:Yeah,
Erika:so I think OP was not in the wrong. I'm glad he did that.
Edgar:Especially like, they were right outside his window basically.
Erika:Yeah, and I mean, this is not the first time this has happened. There's been calling the cops, there's been talking to him separately, there's been multiple chances where they could've been better because they had been told to, but they still didn't care. So I think, I mean, one more hit and it broke the camel's toe. Was it the camel's toe?
Edgar:Camel's back.
Erika:Camel's back? So the top comment is do not apologize. If any apology owed, they owe it to you. To all the other neighbors and their dogs as well. Not the asshole.
Erika:I hope your little snap has to put them in earthly volumes for good.
Edgar:Yeah, we'll see how it goes, but I think it's like a good first step. I think right now they're uncomfortable because like they're finally being called out for being like annoying. But yeah, maybe they have so much respect and they're just, at least if they're gonna be fighting, they'll fight inside.
Erika:Yeah, or at least I don't know argue tightly. Or like do thanks. I don't know. Yeah, I mean well it doesn't seem like they're pissed off and they just avoid eye contact so maybe they feel a little bit ashamed. Maybe a little bit, hopefully.
Erika:I don't know, would you have reacted the same way? Would you let it get that far, I guess? When would you be like, that's it, that's enough?
Edgar:I guess it depends on how bad it is, but I think it have to be a very annoying and very loud argument for me to do that, just step outside and yell back at them. But I've been lucky with all my neighbors for the past years and years. They've been pretty good I guess. Or at least I don't hear about them ever.
Erika:Yeah, except you know that neighbor in front of us?
Edgar:I could barely hear them.
Erika:Oh my god, they'd be yelling.
Edgar:They probably were much worse than before.
Erika:No, they used to be, it used to be really bad. Like they used to yell and the whole block would hear them because we were in front of But yeah, it was crazy. They would hear like, like it was bad and then the dogs started barking. And then my dogs were bark. It was crazy.
Erika:But yeah, mean, it's better now you don't hear them arguing anymore. Thank God. So
Edgar:your final verdict?
Erika:No, I don't think he's the asshole at all. I think he did good. He got them to stop arguing at two in the morning.
Edgar:Exactly, yeah. He did what had to be done.
Erika:Yeah, definitely. So that's all the stories we have today. Thank you for tuning into this week's episode. Check out our website, www.yappings.com, and join our mailing list for updates. If you love our podcast and want to support us, subscribe and share to your friends and family.
Erika:We would appreciate this so much.
Edgar:Also, have a Facebook group called AITA relationship and family drama, linked in the description. Join so you can share a mighty asshole post you like or share your own stories for us all to judge. We may even read a few posts in one of our episodes.
Erika:Thank you. Bye.
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