Episode 37
· 46:24
Yapping!
Edgar:Hello,
Erika:this is Erica.
Edgar:And Edgar.
Erika:And we are the Yapping Schnauzers. We entertain you with the noteworthy stories we find around the web. Today's theme is Communication Breakdown.
Edgar:Our first story is titled, Am I the Asshole by Telling My Biological Daughter I Was Nothing More Than an Egg Donor and That Her Real Mother is the Woman Who Raised Her. Sorry this is long, but complicated I really need some perspective. Twenty five years ago, my close friend Clara and her husband James were struggling with infertility. Clara couldn't conceive or use her own eggs and she asked me if I would consider carrying a baby for them to use my eggs and James sperm. I had already had my two kids and was done having children.
Edgar:I was hesitant at first, but eventually I agreed because I wanted to help my friend become a mother. Nine months later, their daughter Bella was born. From the start, Clara and James praised her as their own. And I've always been auntie to her, just a close family friend and that's all she will ever know. My own kids always knew the truth, I never hid it from them.
Edgar:They understood that Bella was biologically related to them and that I had helped my friends start her family. I never told Bella anything because I truly didn't feel it was my place. It was something her parents needed to decide if or when to tell her. A few weeks ago Bella and her fiance were at his family's house and they all did one of those DNA kits for fun. It's always a bad fun time.
Edgar:When the results came back Bella saw that she had Cuban and Black ancestry, which confused her since she knows both of her parents are white. Instead of asking them, she used the combination to the safe which she had learned a while back and started going through their personal documents. She found an old photo of me pregnant in a hospital bed with Clara holding my hand and she also found paperwork about Clara's infertility. After that she started pulling away, especially from Clara, and none of us understood why until everything exploded. My family and I were over at Clara and James' house helping with wedding prep.
Edgar:At one point Clara and I were in the kitchen talking about my kids and Clara mentioned that I had paid for both other weddings and she wished she couldn't do the same for her daughter. Bella must have overheard because she walked in and suddenly said that I should be paying for her wedding too since she's also my daughter. I was totally thrown off. Clara asked what she meant and Bella just snapped. She said I was a real mother and accused Clara and James of lying to her.
Edgar:She said she had grown up in a fake home when my kids got the life she was supposed to have. She slammed the photos on the table and stormed out with her fiance. The next day Clara asked me to come over, Bella didn't want to, but showed up later after Clara begged her. She told us about the DNA test and going through the safe and how she felt like this answered something she had always felt deep down. She said she'd always been jealous of my kids, not just for their vacations or home life, but also because I gave them a good life without any hardships.
Edgar:She said she still loves Clara, but feels like she never really belonged and now she thinks I'm the missing piece. She even called Clara a child snatcher. That's when I stepped in and told her she needed to stop talking to Clara like that. She turned to me and said, You're my real mother, why don't you love me? And I told her as calmly as I could that I was nothing more than an egg donor.
Edgar:I told her I loved her like a niece and that's all. And Clara is her mother, not me. I wasn't the one who raised her. I wasn't there for her childhood. Clara was.
Edgar:I never saw her as my daughter because that wasn't the role I had in her life. She left again crying and since then has sent me over 20 messages. Some are angry and some are pleading and she asked me to meet with her and James because she says we are her real parents. She says she loves Clara but insists she's always felt a disconnect and that I'm the reason why. Clara and I have been in touch since the blowup and we're both heartbroken.
Edgar:My husband thinks I should have a one on one with Bella, but honestly I feel like there's nothing left to say. I didn't raise her, Clara did. And she was always a wonderful mother and up until now she and Bella had a great relationship. I don't know why Bella is spiraling like this. Claire was there for every birthday, every school day, every scraped knee, heartbreak, and milestone.
Edgar:I made peace with my world and Bella's life a long time ago. And I never saw myself as a mother, not because I didn't care, but because that was never the agreement. I helped a friend become a mother and I kept that promise. So, am I the asshole?
Erika:Absolutely not.
Edgar:Yeah, no one here is relay the asshole, maybe Bella's parents, but that's the most easiest conversation to have, telling your child, Oh, we had a surrogate, We had this situation. There's no real smooth way to bring that about.
Erika:Yeah, and then I want to know how old Clara is because the way she's acting, it doesn't seem mature at all.
Edgar:Well, she has a fiance I think, right?
Erika:So, yeah. So, I mean, she could be twenties, thirties.
Edgar:I
Erika:don't know. The way she's thinking, I think she's just jealous of the money, honestly.
Edgar:Yeah, maybe low key. She's just like jealous that OP's family was a little bit more well off than Clara and James.
Erika:Yeah, I mean, she emphasized on that. That was the first point that she said why she didn't, you know, she felt like she was being robbed just because she was jealous of how much money and how well her kids have it.
Edgar:And
Erika:I don't know, it's just one of those things where you really have to think about is she really jealous or is she just feels like they don't connect. From what she was saying though, it seems that they had a good relationship and that the only reason she started saying, Oh, I don't belong here, was because she found the paperwork.
Edgar:But so, has a good relationship because everything that they built from this point on, from Bella's perspective, is based on a lie. So that's why she's filed so drastically. She went from a perfectly good mother daughter relationship with Clara to just wanting to have nothing to do with her and just be with Ophie.
Erika:I mean, I really think,
Edgar:I
Erika:mean, in my opinion, they should have told her when she could really understand, yeah, this is what happened and this is the deal because this is really complicated. This is really complicated. Not really. Yeah, as you know, obviously now it's causing issues. She thought they took her away, she thought the worst thing of them, even though it wasn't like that.
Erika:But if she was to tell them the truth from the beginning and say that you know, you're our daughter but this is how we want to conceive you because there was no way for me to have you, this is how much we desire to have children and that's why we love you so much. You know, I don't know anything, something like that And it would have been a better outcome.
Edgar:Yeah, like these situations, the earlier you tell the truth, the better. But the problem is it's just a very hard conversation
Erika:to Yeah, yeah.
Edgar:I mean, if you tell it to a child young enough, I feel like it'd be easier because then they just kind of accept everything and they don't really, depending on the severity, they don't really react too broadly, but now that it's been twenty, thirty years, she has to take all of that in and just re contextualize her entire life up to that point. But yeah, so there's only ever one good time to have told the truth, which was just the very beginning, which is just not an easy thing for anybody to do.
Erika:I feel like they should have said, you know, she was a surrogate. They should have said more of this vocabulary so she could understand even though they're friends, but she was the surrogate. It was just like that. And obviously they went into this whole relationship or the whole outcome knowing what was the ending result. So if she was to be told exactly, you know, she was just a surrogate, I feel like, you know, it would be better maybe.
Erika:So the top comment actually got deleted, but the second one is she agreed to be an egg donor and surrogate. She was never her mother because that's not how either of these things work. This isn't the same as adoption. She didn't have a child for whatever reason she couldn't keep. She didn't have a child that for whatever reason she couldn't keep.
Erika:She wouldn't have had a child at all. She only did so specifically to carry someone else's child to term because her body was incapable of doing so. Even if she weren't the egg donor as well, she'd still be a surrogate. And then she put therapy 100%. Yeah, I honestly just feel she's just jealous about the money.
Edgar:I don't think so. I think she feels like it's like a big bomb that's just gone into her life.
Erika:Yeah, but like, okay, I understand if she had a bad childhood or she didn't have a good relationship with her parents and she was like, I never belonged here, but she had a good relationship. She wasn't mistreated. She had everything. Sure, she didn't have the abundance of money, but she had everything you would want in a life. But instead, she really focused honestly in her complaining about the money and how jealous she was of her children.
Edgar:But Yeah. We're going off of OP's assessment, Bella, and she's like, Oh yeah, she had a perfectly good childhood, but maybe in Bella's eyes she just felt like she's speaking from her perspective, she said, Oh, I felt like a slight disconnect, like it was just always bothering me.
Erika:I mean, I guess we don't really know the full story. And the comment that I replied to that was, Honestly, Bella already knows it. She saw the infertility info. She's just jealous of the lifestyle and wants the money. So I mean, she didn't even care about her half siblings.
Erika:She only cared about the money and the lie. I don't know. Mean, Well,
Edgar:not complicated, but I think it's more that she wants to be connected with her actual parents, which happens to be OP and her actual dad.
Erika:But it's not like that, you know I mean? It's not the same thing as being adopted, it's literally she was a surrogate. Yeah. That's it. There was no love between her conceiving.
Erika:It was literally a surrogate. It's completely different.
Edgar:Yeah, but from her perspective, she just feels
Erika:She's just not understanding Because there's just no around it. There's just not she's the mother, it's just, it was service y and that's it. She For needs to understand
Edgar:them, it's like, for her, she just says, oh, this is the person who birthed me, so you're the mother, and then the other half of the birthing process, which is the father, she still accepts her as the father.
Erika:Yes, because she's infertile, so she couldn't have kids, so they did what they had to do. Like, I don't know. I think she needs to understand better and she needs therapy. Because this is really hard to swallow and right now she's trying to understand everything, but really, it's it's a clear path here. There's just no, oh, maybe let me take a detour here and end up here.
Erika:No. There's just a clear path to whatever it is.
Edgar:My thing is it's not a clear path because you can just say, oh, this was the agreement. Everyone else, Bella wasn't there to actually agree to it, so she has her own perspective on the issue. She won't accept that, Oh, there's these boundaries that the parents set. She's not going to accept that.
Erika:I mean, when you're born, did you have a say? No, right? You were just born.
Edgar:Yeah, but if, imagine for yourself, your parents aren't actually your parents, like it was just like your aunt or whatever, actual parents, but they said, oh, when you were born we agreed that your parents would take care of you, like the ones who actually raised you. Would you accept that arrangement or once you found that out,
Erika:I would like would to know the reason though. They have a specific reason why because they were infertile. I'm not saying that's not true, I'm just saying it would be the same thing if they actually use another surrogate and not the aunt.
Edgar:Yeah, so then he actually would want the surrogate, whoever the actual surrogate is, to be her mom. Because naturally they want to be connected to the people who actually birthed them.
Erika:The only reason I feel like she feels strongly about this is because it's the aunt. I think it would be a completely different reaction if it was a complete stranger that she's never seen, never grew up with, never related to, never was with at all and was the surrogate.
Edgar:I feel like it would still be the same reaction, but she would just be looking for whoever this random woman is. It's a pretty common phenomenon where if you find out if you had a surrogacy or some sort of any of that situation, the kids usually try to find out the actual families, where their actual parents would come from.
Erika:No, I think you have a right to find out. I think that's great, but you can't expect the other person to want to be your mom when obviously that is not what it was planned. Unfortunately, don't have a say in that. You can't make somebody love you or wanna be your mother, especially if that's not what it was agreed upon.
Edgar:So,
Erika:I mean, I get she's having a difficult time, but I mean, everything is written in stone. I mean, there's no way there's gonna be change. I mean, I don't think OP wants to be her mother. She just has to accept what it is. There's not much she can do.
Erika:All I can really say is therapy.
Edgar:I think they should just be honest with her because I feel like up to this point she's just been lied to. So I think that's a first step for OP and Clara. Just to have an open space between all of them, so nothing's foggy and in the air like that. Because I imagine Bella still has a lot of questions about the situation I and about her place in this
Erika:know, but I'm saying with therapy she could find a way to talk to her parent or her surrogate or whatever, her aunt, and talk and be able to express what she's feeling because some people just say whatever they want and then those words sometimes really break relationships. Words can end relationships and if that's not what you want, you're gonna try to be talking to people, but not in where you wanna hurt people because you're hurting. And having somebody to talk to like a therapist to help you realize or reflect or give you those tools to be better at speaking of what you're feeling is something that is valuable. Because having a relationship right now, it's already in the rocks right now. Everything is terrible for them.
Erika:And if she says the wrong thing or says whatever, she's like, oh, I just wanna end my relationship with all of you and I don't wanna talk to anybody, you all lied to me, then how is that gonna help her in the long run? It's not gonna be helpful because she's going off what she's feeling emotionally, but she's not thinking out everything. So I don't know what you guys think. You should definitely comment about this. I think we're really not seeing eye to eye with this one, but I'm not agreeing with what you're saying.
Erika:I understand what you're saying is true. It's really hard because they did lie to her. They didn't tell her truth since she was small. So she feels heartbroken and lied to, but she needs to find a way so she can deal with all these emotions and talk it through.
Edgar:So, found her correct?
Erika:I still don't think she's an asshole though. The OP, I mean, she did what she wanted to help her friend and that's about it.
Edgar:Yeah, I feel like there was no one, in this situation I was acting like an asshole. Everyone was it was emotional and just, what was the secret for like ten, twenty, thirty years has now come to life, so this is just a natural reaction to it.
Erika:Yeah, feel like the DNA test has broken a
Edgar:lot of family. How many have you read? Like three or
Erika:four of them, I think? All right, so the next story is, Am I overreacting for canceling our weekend getaway because my husband secretly invited his friend's new girlfriend who used to bully me? My husband, 33 male, and I, 30 female, planned a weekend cabin getaway, just the two of us. I was really looking forward to it. Two days before we left, he told me he invited Jake and his new girlfriend just to make it more fun.
Erika:Jake's girlfriend is someone who used to bully me in high school. She spread a really personal rumor about me back then that still haunts me. I told him I wasn't comfortable and asked him why he didn't ask me first. He shrugged and said, It's no big deal and that I should let the past go. I canceled the whole trip.
Erika:He called me immature and said I was punishing him for something that happened ten years ago. Was that too much? Was I overreacting?
Edgar:Yeah, would say she's overreacting.
Erika:Why?
Edgar:I think she took the approach where it was either however she wanted to control the situation or no one gets to go to this vacation and she just did a nuke and just canceled the entire trip without just further consulting all the parties and just trying to find a way to maybe de escalate this a little bit better.
Erika:Okay. So I really think that he disrespected her first. Went behind her back and invited something that was supposed to be just the two of them. And then he said, Surprise, I invited my friend and his girlfriend without telling her. And so he had, I'm assuming he had plenty of time to tell her before the trip that was around the corner, but he instead decided to keep it hidden from her, not ask her opinion, and said, well, they're coming.
Erika:The top comment is I would just tell him something like, why would I want to go on what was supposed to be a romantic getaway with someone who has disrespected me and tried to go behind my back by not asking me but telling me last minute about what plans you secretly made, especially when including someone that brought pain in my life. Why would I want this trip after you've polluted it with such negativity? Nor what an ass he has been. I'd have a serious talk about boundaries and communication. He can't pull this last minute completely changing the whole dynamic of the getaway.
Erika:What he did, I'd find it hard not to see as a permanent turn off. Like if he tried to be unromantic, it would be hard to top what he did. So it's not just about last minute changing or is just whatever, you know, we could change the plans. It's about him not discussing. You know, it's important to have an open communication and the fact that he did this last minute is because he knew she was not gonna be okay with it.
Erika:So he completely ignored what she wanted, ignored her feelings and said to just get over it when she expressed her feelings to him saying that she does not want that person over there. He said, Get over it. The past is the past. It's not like he went through that hurtful situation or the way that she treated her or bullied her. He doesn't know.
Erika:But even though that person caused her pain, he said, Just let go, it's the past. And completely dismiss her feelings.
Edgar:I know.
Erika:So it's not okay.
Edgar:So find her thoughts or find her verdict?
Erika:I don't think she's overreacting. And she should really take a look if she wants to be with a man like that because if he continues like that, then he's going to continue in every situation and just get over it.
Edgar:So, the next story is titled, I, 17 male, brought my dad to my girlfriend, 17 female's house for a man to man talk. Her dad requested and now he feels disaffected and I wanted to break up because of this. I don't know what to do. I, 17m, have a girlfriend Andrea, 17f. And we've been together for a year.
Edgar:We are both in high school and we are about to start our senior year this fall. I plan on going to a robotics AI program for college and I plan to apply to as many colleges as possible, but all of this costs money. While I do have a college fund, the idea was for me to come up with money to apply to the schools. My uncle had a mechanic shop and my parents had two rentals. This past school year, I took a mechanic shop course and was able to get my ASE in engine repair, A1.
Edgar:Now because of my schedule, I have been seeing my girlfriend later in the day around 6PM and if I work the next day, I am home by like nine or 10PM, but on Sunday once I am done working and showered her and I usually spend the rest of the day Sunday together on Monday, I guess this has been an issue for her dad. I got a message from him on Thursday that on Sunday when I come over he, myself, and my girlfriend's brother, and I team out, are going to have a man to man talk. When I asked about what he said, it was time that we speak as men to have a man to me and talk. When I was about to ask what he said, it was time that we speak as a man and it was not negotiable. I asked my girlfriend and all she said was that her dad isn't letting up on the talk and asked me why I'm over late or certain days and why I am just driving around with her.
Edgar:Which is weird to me because I work and my girlfriend should have told him or his mom because she always asks me how work is going. She even came for an oil change like two weeks ago. Like what got me is that we don't go around driving around. We drive to the movies, we drive to get something to eat or go to a friend's house, but we don't go driving around. I told my dad what was happening and asked him if he can come with me.
Edgar:So yesterday after work, my dad and I drove to my girlfriend's house and they were a bit surprised. I don't know, was all tense because my girlfriend just looked at me and walked away. Her dad was grilling in the back and we all had just small talk until my dad just said, Okay, let's have the talk. My girlfriend's dad was trying to avoid it saying things like, Well, maybe some other time, maybe it's not the best time. Well, y'all don't know my dad and he doesn't let this go for anything and it's really annoying.
Edgar:So he brought it up again. My girlfriend's dad again awaited the conversation and my dad told me to go inside so he can talk to him and wait inside. Andrea and her mom were really quiet, but her mom and auntie were polite. About twenty minutes later, my dad comes in and the house made some small talk with my girlfriend's mom, aunt and brother, and we left. I asked my dad what happened and all he said he would tell me later after talking to mom.
Edgar:But I have been getting nothing but spam messages from my girlfriend saying that her dad feels disrespected that I brought my dad and I am not mature enough to have a man to man conversation with him. She wants me to come today to talk alone to her dad and not bring anyone. Usually, I would be at her house already, but I feel like I need to talk to my dad first. Also, it feels like all this is too much drama. I only have like one and a half days off and I don't want to fill it with stuff like this and it makes me want to just break up with her.
Edgar:She even has our friends sending messages saying I was weird to bring my dad and I am missing the point of all this. Like what point? I don't see anything positive talking to her dad. For the past year he has always ignored me outside of hellos. Should I go over to her house and just have this talk with her dad?
Edgar:Should I just wait to talk to my dad first and then go? I feel like breaking up is just the best thing because why does he really want to talk to me so bad? Again, it's literally my only day off and I just wanted to hang with my girlfriend and friend and now I am just sitting here in my room on the verge of a crash out. Too long I didn't read. My girlfriend's dad wanted a man to man talk with him.
Edgar:My girlfriend's brother and me, but I brought my dad. My dad somewhat called out her dad and he now feels suspected and is causing issues with my girlfriend and I think I should just break up with her.
Erika:There's just so much drama for no reason.
Edgar:Sounds like a kid wrote it. Definitely. Yeah. Like, no punctuation or grammar?
Erika:Yeah. I mean, he's 17 years old.
Edgar:Well, I knew I to write when I was like eight. But, yeah, I just think I agree with him, with OP, that this is like too much trauma. He's like a busy child. Like he has like two jobs basically and school and then whatever else he has time to do. So to have all this drama over like a high school relationship is like just too much.
Edgar:Yeah. Like sometimes like yeah you can be with someone else, but if there's other circumstances that make it more difficult, maybe it's not worth it, especially when you're this young.
Erika:Yeah, I totally agree. I think it's just there's no reason for the father to be like this and then to feel disrespected because he brought his dad. Like, I I don't understand what he was trying to say. He was trying to have her him and her older brother there, then what? So, you have two against a 17 year old?
Erika:Like, what is going on?
Edgar:Yeah, think it's odd too. I think it's just like a lot of weird power dynamics. Like, if you want a one on one talk, have it actually one on one to bring like, I I I it's, a little bit hypocritical on OP's ex's or OP's girlfriend's dad that he wants a one on one, but he can bring, like, his child, like, his own, like, son
Erika:into the conversation. What does he have to do with anything? Yeah. He's just being difficult, honestly. There's no need for it.
Erika:If you need to talk to him, then talk to him.
Edgar:Yeah, don't like just plan it in advance.
Erika:Yeah, it's just weird. Think it's just as, I think though dad is being overprotective, sure, mean, it's his little daughter, but I mean, still, like have a conversation, like, see why he's coming late or where are they going or what are they doing? Make sure, you know, that is fine. As a father he has the whole right for doing that, but the way he went about it is kind of weird. Like it was just too much drama for no reason.
Edgar:Exactly. And then OP's dad came, because I'm pretty sure OP told him the situation, In Opie's dad I was like, Yeah, this is fishy. You shouldn't be alone with two other men that you don't know that well.
Erika:Yeah, what were they planning to do? Snuff him?
Edgar:I don't know. I'm sure it was just a talk, but it's just actually just being a normal human being and just have a conversation.
Erika:Yeah. The father just went the wrong way about it. I don't know what he was trying to do, but it's just not good. I'm glad that I mean, hopefully he finds a solution, but if he really doesn't want to deal with this and is not willing to deal with her family, then it's really hard to have a relationship, especially if you want it to be serious. But he's just 17, you You know?
Erika:Don't have to stress out, dude. Just do your thing, have fun, work, whatever. You don't have to be in a relationship. It's not the end of the world. And I wish a lot of, when you're that age you feel like any ending of a relationship is, like it's like your world crashing down.
Erika:But I'm sure if he breaks up with this girl he will find somebody else.
Edgar:I just think that if everyone involved works better at communication, this wouldn't have gone like so awkwardly. Like if OP's girlfriend's dad would just like just talk to him like from the get go, like after like a night out where he felt like disrespected, like because he brought the- he brought her daughter in too late, he could have been like why are you here so late? Instead of just like waiting days and like just having to fester and then just like yeah. Like, that's just a failing on the dad's point of view.
Erika:Or maybe the daughter is not telling him exactly what's going on. Maybe she just says, oh, yeah, we're doing this, but doesn't he doesn't understand that he's working. He kind of tried to say what he was doing to his schedule. So according to his schedule, he's doing a lot. So that's the only time he could hang out with her.
Edgar:But also, I I was just picking on OP, but like, because for me it was really hard to follow his schedule when he was writing it down. Because, I don't know, he, like if you're bad at writing, more times than not you're also bad at communicating. And I feel like he probably was trying to explain to OP, like to his girlfriend's dad, but it just came across as confusing and just like, I don't know. His So, if his own communication skills were a little bit better, it probably would have not gone this way. But I also feel like just because this is probably like the dad's thing.
Edgar:Not OP's dad, but the girlfriend's dad. He's just like a hard ass like this.
Erika:Yeah, mean, he tried to say hello, he never returned it. Like he doesn't even wanna have a conversation with him. So how are you gonna try to see what's going on if you can't even be an adult and have a conversation with a 17 year old? Like dude, you should be more mature than this. The top comment is insecure adult man is upset that he couldn't bully a 17 year old and instead of faced with an actual adult man to man talk that he claimed he wanted.
Erika:Exactly, so he didn't have the balls. I don't know, he's just, he needs to mature. Mhmm.
Edgar:Yeah. Everyone involved needs to mature.
Erika:Yeah. Mhmm.
Edgar:So final verdict?
Erika:I would say I mean, I don't think the kids are fault here.
Edgar:Mhmm. I think yeah. No one's well, I just feel like
Erika:The dad is. The dad needs to be a
Edgar:Yeah, girlfriend's dad is the asshole in this situation, just escalating it for no reason against like a poor guy that can't even communicate.
Erika:All right, so the next story is, saw something today that really made me think about what being a partner actually means. I'm a healthcare worker and we had this little four year old come in after getting bitten by a dog on the face. Super tough situation for any parent. The mom was all hands on deck, listening carefully, holding her kid, asking the right questions. Meanwhile, the dad shrugged off the bite with, Do we really need all that?
Erika:It's just his face. When it came time for an actual injection, we asked if he could come in and help hold the kid since the child kept calling for him. He straight up refused. Didn't step into the room once. Afterwards, he even blamed the mom for the cost, even though most of the treatment was free.
Erika:And I couldn't help but think in moments that matter, it's not about who earns what or who's too tough for medical stuff. It's about showing up, holding a hand, being there even when you're uncomfortable. Being a partner isn't always about big romantic gestures. It's about being the person who walks in the room when everyone else stays outside.
Edgar:Think it's odd for the dad. But yeah, I imagine there's like a lot of poor fathers these days and just poor people and poor adults just because a lot of them haven't grown up to, like they need to have this sort of responsibility and sort of like grown up mentality. I think it's just sad because I think it's just a cycle.
Erika:I mean, maybe his dad was like that too. The way he's acting, his dad was like that with him when he got hurt or he didn't care or he should be tough. So when people grow up like that, it's very rare they wanna be like, oh, I don't wanna be like my father and be a better version, you know? But sometimes it's a hard habit because that's how you were taught. That's how you grew up.
Erika:So taking breaking those chains or being a different version of how you grew up, it's hard. I mean, clearly the mother is, at least he has his mom and his mom is able to be there and help him out. But honestly, I think people really need to think about your partner. If your partner is a certain way or he has shown you things that you do not like, you have to make sure that you want to have a kid with him. Like do you think with situations like this, what if they were dating and she solved situations where he was gonna be like this as a parent?
Erika:You should really think it through. Do you want a partner like that, your child to have a dad like that? You really need to think it through. It's difficult. But I mean, at the end of the day, it's like really something that you have to make sure you're gonna be able to swallow or deal with a separation or divorce at the end.
Erika:So the top comment is moments like this are opportunities to break the cycle. To be there with your kid even if no one was there for you. To be a partner even if you never saw your parents act that way. Exactly. If you want to be better, then you should try to be better, not just be like, Well, no, I'm just gonna act the way my parents did to me.
Edgar:I feel like the mother in this situation should have affected her husband then.
Erika:Yes, I agree. But to a certain extent you always have some hope that the person would be better or that you think the person is good enough or be a good father, but you never know. It's a gamble because a lot of people can hide and say certain things, but you don't know until it actually happens unfortunately.
Edgar:Do have a final verdict?
Erika:Just a read, like self reflection or something. But yeah, I think definitely the husband obviously is the asshole here.
Edgar:Yeah, I agree.
Erika:He could definitely be a better father and a partner.
Edgar:The next story is, Am I the asshole for refusing to acknowledge my best friend's wife? I, 24 male, have been having issues with my best friend, 23 male, wife, who is 20 female, for months now. From the first day of the night she judged me. First, it was because I couldn't attend their wedding. I was working remotely in a different country at a time, and I apologized profusely and ordered them a pizza oven for a wedding gift.
Edgar:It was little remarks that my girlfriend, phonetically female, could hear in the background of our phone calls. She would write down what she heard from me since I'm deaf. My phone is capable of translating audio calls into text on my screen, but it can only pick up so much and for the most part I rely on contact clues. It had gotten more ridiculous when I returned to The States and finally met her. She didn't realize that I was deaf.
Edgar:She started yelling, for the record we could tell, and ignored my girlfriend, who tried to explain that yelling is rude to do. It's much easier to read lips when you speak normally. Any other time we would've met up, which I made sure wasn't often, she wouldn't look at me when speaking. She was relying on my girlfriend to translate, which my girlfriend shouldn't have to do. I'm capable of reading lips.
Edgar:Again, also rude to do even if I had a certified translator with me. Last night at game night broke the straw for me. His wife offered to order it in for all of us. When the driver dropped off the delivery, she didn't order anything for me. She apologized and said, Well, I forget he was here since he was so quiet.
Edgar:I've never been embarrassed to be deaf until that moment, which is saying a lot because I was born deaf. My girlfriend shared her dinner with me. I ignored his wife for the rest of the night and we called it early. My girlfriend lied and told them she had important meetings to prepare for. His wife, I think he asked her to, had been texting me with half baked apologies that I had been ignoring.
Edgar:This caught the attention of my best friend who texted me asking why I was being mean and ignoring her. That she was sorry for what happened and that she wasn't lying about me being quiet. He told me that I shouldn't get so butthurt over a few comments. I have been ignoring him too. I don't think making fun of me or the DeafHoH community is funny.
Edgar:I'm an asshole for acting sensitive to this and ignoring them both. I don't want to throw away our friendship but I feel like it's for the best. My girlfriend is supportive for removing ourselves from them or for forgiving them and for moving forward.
Erika:Throw them all away.
Edgar:Yeah, agree. They're just being very insensitive and for no reason.
Erika:Yeah, I, she did it on purpose. There's just no way around it. She didn't do it by accident. The one things I really despise or I really don't like is when people do something and then they're like, Oh, I didn't realize, and they apologize, and you could just see right through it. It's a fake apology.
Erika:They did it on purpose to hurt you.
Edgar:And
Erika:there's just people like that that obviously exist and I have met people like that. You shake it off and you continue your way because you know what, people like the art just better. And you just do, you know, you're still you. If people wanna be like that, just, you know, distance yourself from them and be yourself and be happy. You don't need negativity like that.
Erika:So the top comment is, just be clear, that slight of forgetting to get you food because you're quiet was intentional. No way she forgets you but remembers your girlfriend. Exactly. The person the girlfriend is literally sitting next to you, she remembers but then forgets you. It makes no sense.
Erika:There's just no excuse.
Edgar:Yeah.
Erika:And then the fact that the boyfriend the postly best friend is agreeing with her saying that he's being mean. Okay. They're not worth it. You need your peace. So the next story is new neighbor thinks I'm having an affair when she doesn't know I have a twin brother.
Erika:My wife and I have been living in our current neighborhood for about two years now. Next door neighbor moved in last April, married with no kids and works from home. I had my identical twin brother and his wife visit us June and they decided to stay over for a few days. Unfortunately, they arrived in the middle of the week and after lunch, so my wife and I were both at work. But we do use smart locks, so I gave them remote access.
Erika:They also came in by Uber from the airport, left their luggage at our house, and met my wife and I for dinner downtown. Next day, this neighbor approaches my wife as she's about to leave for work in the morning. I leave later, then her and my brother and sister-in-law were still sleeping. She asked her if she knew anything or had noticed anything different about me. My wife was a bit taken aback by her question and asked why.
Erika:She goes on saying that she saw me bringing another woman home the day after the day before a different car. My wife realizes this neighbor's mistake and explains my twin brother arrived in town. Our neighbor gasps and is obviously embarrassed, but my wife handled it pretty calmly. She even showed our new neighbor our dinner picture with my twin brother and his wife. The neighbor didn't see our group arriving back at home, so made an assumption.
Erika:My wife and I laughed about it when she shared it with me. All is well until I got a text from a neighbor close to me asking what I've been up to. Apparently, the new neighbor quickly gossiped about me to others. It's annoying because, well, not everyone in the neighborhood saw my brother or my twin brother arriving because it was in the middle of the day. Second, we realized our neighbor talked to three other neighbors.
Erika:Like, what the hell? My wife and I were unsure whether or not to explain the rest. What's really the deal? But at the same time, it's quite the effort. We thought of walking around the neighborhood with my brother and sister-in-law, and we did.
Erika:But it's not like everyone's peeking through the window or waiting at their porches. I get the whole woman half woman behind their back, but just in knowing how quick it spreads with others without any attempts to confirm it first. Yeah, sharing this after the Coldplay concert issue, LOL. I'm sure the CEO dude has no twin. So what do you think?
Edgar:Yeah, it's just what happens when you have a bunch of nosy neighbors.
Erika:Yeah, I mean, it's better to have nosy neighbors than not, I guess, because then again, if somebody's breaking in your house, you kinda wanna know. Wanna be friendly with your neighbors so they can tell you, or if something's going on, they'll tell you.
Edgar:Mhmm. Yeah, it's definitely like a double edged sword. And I don't think this is the worst thing ever. Like, I'm sure for the next few weeks, a few months, Terry are gonna just look at OP differently or just like wrong, but I think over time, like depending on how long OP stays in that place, they're gonna realize he has like a twin brother and be like, oh. Hopefully they are smart enough to put two and two together.
Erika:Yeah, I mean, come on. Like I think if you want to spread rumors, at least verify it. And then when everything's found out, you're gonna look stupid. Know what I mean?
Edgar:The average person doesn't do that.
Erika:I know, but I guess people like to look stupid. Alright, so the top comment is ask your busy body neighbor to go undo the damage she did. Yeah, that would be nice if she put the facts straight.
Edgar:Yeah, I mean that's the least they can do. It requires they be a little accommodational, but yeah. Some people are okay with that and others aren't. So find a verdict on this situation.
Erika:I mean if he doesn't care if people were talking behind his back then he doesn't have to do anything. If he does care then try to get it straight, the story straight.
Edgar:The final story is I told my husband we should do something radical. I told him and dad it'd be fun if we stood out in the front yard two or three times a week and aggressively shouted compliments at each other for a little while. We live in a cute cul de sac and know all of our neighbors really well. We aren't a shouty, fighty couple and neither are our neighbors. I just thought it would be so funny for our married couple to be regularly yelling nice things at each other out in public instead of fighting.
Edgar:He laughed and asked me where did I see this on the internet. And I told him that I didn't, it was just a random idea that tickled the hell out of me. He laughed again and then stage yelled, aka pretend to yell. Not so much volume but mock intensity. You're so amazing.
Edgar:And I replied in a similar tone, I love you so much. I wish it was a sketch comedy troupe or something because it was a golden premise, but we love our neighbors too much to actually make a regular disturbance, even if it is amusing and positive. So we'll probably never actually do it. But man, did we laugh?
Erika:I think it's cute.
Edgar:Yeah. I don't think it's like funny or anything like that, but yeah. Sure they just are very excited by each other.
Erika:I do think it's funny because imagine just hearing people yell, but positive things, it's like, what? If you're a nosy neighbor, they would definitely hear it.
Edgar:I'd just be annoyed.
Erika:Okay, what's the top comment? This is the best current contribution of the internet. I'm inspired and off to blast my husband with a compliment. You rock. Yeah, I thought it was cute.
Erika:Alright, that is all the stories we have today. Thank you for tuning into this week's episode. Check out our website, www.yappings.com and join our mailing list for updates. If you love our podcast and want to support us, subscribe and share it to your friends and family. We would appreciate it so much.
Edgar:Also, we have a Facebook group called AITA Relationship and Family Drama linked in the description. Join so you can share Am I the Asshole posts you like or share your own stories for us all to judge. We may even read a few posts in one of our episodes if you are lucky.
Erika:Thank you, bye!
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